I found my old blog at jrs72.blogspot.com, but couldn't edit it anymore
because it's been 12 years since I touched it and I think they archived it. so I felt like getting back to that and so here I am 12 years later 400 miles away from where I last left off. I have no outline or plan for any of this.
this is just for words
my words
any words I feel like
I really just want to capture my life somewhere where I can look back and remember. this seems like a good place for that.
so today I worked, it's a thursday, new year's eve and my work didn't care enough to let people go early so people just kinda snuck out when the cost was clear.
I don't like work, like at all. I've been put into a conference room (called venti) with no windows. I sit in that goddamn room from 830 am - 6pm. I sit there with Richard, Naba, Ankit, Utsav, Kabul, Dan, Yana & Naveen. so 9 people sitting in 1 fucking room. and I haven't left why? god only knows. I guess I'm afraid I don't have the edge to get hired by another company. but that's not really it, honestly I still live in this fantasy where I'll become a writer and make a bunch of money and can quit my job, but I won't I'll just stay there and taunt everyone with my tardiness and early departure. I'll speak up in meetings and say the things everyone is so badly wanting to say. things like "god Barbara, that's a terrible idea maybe you should leave the ho-ho in your mouth after all". or "fuck me with your socks on! why in fuck's sake haven't you given me a goddamn comp day for the 16 hours of overtime I put in over the weekend". honestly, I probably just start telling people "no" a hell of a lot more. but that's work and I'm there 50 60 hrs week and it's not doing a goddamn thing for my sprituality or health or happiness. it's actually terrible to think about the self imprisonment like this. I willingly get myself up at a stupid ass time to sit in traffic for over an hour to walk my fat ass over to a room with no windows and 8 other dudes who hate each other to sit in meetings and do nothing but say yes to everyone about everything to not take a lunch or go outside to doing meaningless bullshit work for millionaires who decided each or collectively that giving their employers a few hours off on new year's eve would be a very bad idea for the business's bottom line.
I look back a my blog from 2004 and had a disdain for other people
I now hold that disdain for
myself
because now I understand people are lost and desperate, hurting and scared and do whatever they have to do to make it through the day. if they need to push people out of the way as they get off the elevator I completely understand that now. if they have to treat another person like a piece of shit, well I get that too.
life isn't an easy dress to fit into. it's not something that's going to catapult you down the sidewalk giggling with rainbows blasting out your ass. and it's sitting in a large leather chair, in the dark, waiting for you to do something, anything. most don't - I certainly don't (there's reasons for this, I'm working on it). and until you do, it's just going to keep flicking lit matches across the room at you. that's what life does, not always, but enough for you to stand up, walk over and karate chop that bitch in the windpipe.
it will be 2016 in 1 hour.
it is going to be the best fucking year of my life so far.
don't believe me?
just watch :-)
