poetry in failure

I started watching the FX series Baskets tonight. I saw a billboard for it a long time ago but kept forgetting what it was until I heard an inteview about on NPR. that show is awesome very Bukowski-esque. and as I started watching it I realized my life is fucked up perfectly, not perfectly fucked-up, but fucked up perfectly. I think it was the scene where Baskets the clown just got a job at a rodeo and was laying in the dirt after getting hit by a bull. He was just laying there on the ground smoking a cigarette staring up in the sky and a single tear ran down his face. god that summed up a lot in my life. then when he crashes his scooter and he has to get around by roller blading everywhere (whilst smoking). so completely awesome. and so my life is very much like this in so many different ways.

for example like going to walmart last night and buying a new set of dishes. I've never in my life ever purchased dishes. ever. I've only ever used tupperware or paper plates. but for some reason last night I felt enough was enough. I was going to start living my life with dishes. so I found a enormous box that contained all the plates, bowls and cups. it was 34.99 for the set of 6 place settings. so I went to the checkout and realized I didn't have enough money to pay for this new magnifienct purchase of dishware, so I put it on my credit card. and on the ride home I'm thinking what a total failure I am in life, that at age 43 I have for the 1st time in my life purchased a box of dishware at walmart on a Saturday night and couldn't even afford it. god there is something beautiful about that...I have no idea what "that" is but I'm sure it's there somewhere. But after watching Baskets tonight I now understand that my lieft is fucked up perfectly.

i dont like work

I'm at work today in the room with no windows and a bunch of stinky dudes working on computers when I realize that I actually really honestly could see myself doing absolutely nothing and love it. work sucks. it takes your time. it takes your money. it takes your health. it takes your happiness. it takes your calm.

and if that's the kind of thing you're into, awesome (for you), but if I could I'd stand up from my Ikea desk-thing and walk out of my job and never ever come back. ever. like ever ever. and have absolutely no problem with that.

God, I'm rambling and not making any fucking sense with this. I really want to start a cool edgy blog like all those cabbies in new york do. but whenever I attempt to write about my job and how stupid it is I find that there is absolutely nothing to say about it. because nothing happens. I just sit at a desk all day and look into a computer screen. I get interrupted all day by everyone about the stupidest shit and can't get my work done. I haven't actually been able to get any of my work done for over a year because so may people interrupt the shit out of me. I get interrupted so much I believe I have acquired symptons of PTSD. my concentration is fucked up because I have to change tasks about every 10 to 15 minutes.

I really want to create an edgy blog about my job. It would start off like
"Today I took a piss on my desk and threw my monitor at Yana. Then I stormed out of the office doing cartwheels and took a nap in my car naked..."

because it's work that's why

today someone from work sent me a link about an aticle written by dan lyons who just wrote a book about working in silicon valley after 25 years working as an editor for newsweek:
http://www.nytimes.com/2016/04/10/opinion/sunday/congratulations-youve-been-fired.html?_r=0

so I've heard this guy on NPR and there was something he wrote for latimes a few weeks back and honestly I'm a little perplexed at how someone who has "worked" in silicon valley for a year at a tech startup suddenly has the insight, experience and fortitute to write an entire book out of it. he's been going around slamming HubStop for its work ethic, culture and business model. and at first I think, 'yea - stick it to them danny boy!' but then I think, well ok you've been involved in tech (indirectly) for a while as the technical editor for a couple mags. but as someone who has been in the industry for as long as he has I find it strange he was at all surprised at the goings-ons within silicon valley startups. but then there he was disoriented and shocked as he meandered the halls of HubStop wondering where the people who had actually 'graduated' gone to.

anyway, I guess I'm babbling about this because I've seen this take place for almost 20 years working in the 'tech sector'. way stranger things go down than millineals sipping beer at work and people graduating with superpowers. I guess having a sweet 6 figure job at a tech company while being able to sit on your ass all day moving nothing more than your fingers as you steal glances from the san francisco skyline is considered 'surreal', 'cruel' and well, working for a 'digital sweatshop'.

go whine to someone else danny boy and I'm not buying your goddamn book

I used to take pictures

I used to do a lot of things
I no longer do
and I absolutely miss all of it

we have had rats running through our kitchen at night
I've learned how to catch them
but they let out a heart wrenching squeak when they are stuck
and it makes me feel terrible
it is not up to me
I should never have to be the decider of fate for these small creatures
but after I caught the first rat
I immediately understood what was to come next
because there was no way to release this animal once its been captured
it begins to suffer and cry
so I set a trap and place it next to the
rat's head
it begins to thrash around and eventually sets off the trap.
the creature is killed instantly
I used to pray for the rats when they died
I no longer do
I don't know why I stopped
it's very unsettling to kill something without remorse
then hurry back to bed angry because of the lost sleep

I used to take pictures of sunsets

a chance for glamour

Lately, I've been listening to:
- The Knife
- Fever Ray
- The Marine Girls
- Jeff Buckley
- Felt

I feel quiet on the inside.
very tired
sometimes angry about insignificant things like traffic, money and work
my life feels so weird I really never thought it would be the way it is
in that I have become this drone
I really honestly feel that way now
I get up
get dressed in the same clothes as yesterday
put rice in a plastic tupperware
go to my car
take my daughter to school
drive to bank 1 and withdraw 100 dollars
drive to bank 2 and deposit 100 dollars
sit in traffic on La Cienaga commute to work park on roof of parking garage
go into work by 840
meeting with shitty boss at 930
get interrupted for next 10 hours at work gettting not a fucking thing done
leave work at 630 or when the fuck I'm allowed to leave
drive through traffic to pick up daughter from dance in crenshaw district
drive home listening to bullshit terrible music daughter has put on radio
yell at daughter for making me go to the goddam fucking store everynight to get even more food
get food at store
get 100 cash back from self checkout
drive home
back in home around 900pm
pissed off and tired and broke and sad and angry and cold and want to be not in any of this fucking bullshit
- it's like this
every
single
fucking
day

04.2016

it's Friday night got off work from domediver a little early and got a coffee at starbucks. then picked up Cass from Dance class and stopped in at Carl Jr's over by LAX. so so so tired of this 9 to 5 cube-life (yea right try 8 - 7). I came across an article of a guy living out of his Ford Escape while holding down a pretty good job. so in love with people like that. I've been watching this new youtube channel of people who build tiny houses and live in them.

I guess I wanted to start this Journal as a way to do something. I always seem to start these things but never follow up or do anything other than a couple more posts. I guess big news is that SpaceX has finally landed there booster onto a barge today. that's pretty amazing. I think that was like their 4th attempt.

how do I feel today? pretty much trapped by my life. I am becoming desparate to find a way out of this fucking drone-work-broke-bullshit existence. just feel like I'm going through my days totally comatosed. not giving a shit about too much these days. wanting to hit the road in an rv and be free!!

2016

today's a new year and I made the resolution to not make any resolutions. I'm just following my interest this year and let them take me where they will. for example, this blog. who knows if/when/how long I'll keep this going - I haven't made any commitments or set any goals and I love the way that feels. no pressure, no stress just follow my interests.

so today we stayed up in PV and watched the ball drop at 9 and then again at midnight. a beautiful and cool LA morning and you could see the Hollywood sign from 40 miles away. then drove around the beach and took pictures at the cliffs of PV. actually. I no longer notice the old surf board stub that used to stick out of the ground near the Bay Boys spot over by Paseo Del Mar. maybe somebody finally kicked it out of the ground or something. anyway, headed home for a while to watched my Vanners on youtube :-) nomadic fanatic, living free with Mike & Sober, wanderlust estates.

then headed back to pv and had dinner and went down to the newly remodeled del amo mall to hang out at Barnes & Noble. Discovered Tricycle magazine while I was there. going to check that out now